I’ve been thinking about this again a lot lately. When I first got separated from my ex-husband and then a year later, was set on the road to get sober, I couldn’t trust anything good happening. I was so used to sabotage and the other shoe dropping (usually because I threw that fucker to the ground) that whenever something okay happened or I started to feel a semblance of calm or peace, I’d start wondering when it would go away.
My expectations were below low: around my integrity, my responsibility, money, friendships, relationships, all of it. And it wasn’t because the world was against me, it was because I had been against me for so long. I thought, because I had hurt so many people, that I deserved to hurt, indefinitely. And, there was some childhood stuff in there that taught me that good things go (and it’s my fault).
It was like building a muscle, allowing good things to happen. It was built in the same way self-esteem was: through small, esteemable acts. Making my bed. Brushing my teeth and washing my face. Calling a friend when I said I would. Showing up on time. Showing up. Washing our sheets. Letting myself feel joy. Letting joy take up as much space as pain, shame, regret. Then more. That kind of thing.
I wrote this sentence down many years ago: let the good things happen too.
I’m not sure what was happening then, but I saw myself pushing away the good. Good feelings, good experiences, success, contentment. And I decided to stop that, or to at least notice when I was doing it, and in those moments to choose to stop missing my life.
Shit is really jacked up right now. The last several months have been like a long fever; it can be easy to forget you have one—it’s easy to normalize what’s not normal. So, we have to remember that.
And. And! Remember that joy is there for us always. Small and big. And we have to choose it too.
I’ve had this very stark juxtaposition during this time: acute anxiety and the closeness of God; loss of a long friendship and big, new love; angst at the state of the country and intense clarity; longing for what’s been lost and gratitude.
Let the good things happen too. You must. They’re there. ❤️
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