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There was a time, one well hidden; lights switched off and clothed over with bedsheets, in which I had become so paralysed with fear that I could not move. My physical symptoms had become so debilitating, so severe that I was afraid of the smallest movements. Gestures like raising my hand to my face or wiggling my toes were unimaginable. I could not feed myself or chew solid food, I couldn’t brush my teeth, I couldn’t wash or withstand the sensation of someone else washing me without grimacing, I could no longer bear to come into physical contact with my loved ones. I didn’t know what was happening to me, I didn’t have the words or the energy to express the intensity of the terror I was feeling every minute of every day. My family were lost as to how to help and friends splintered away. My world had shrunk to the size of not only one room but a single fixed position, a statue in a bed. When eventually I became so weak that my heart began to fail I was rushed into hospital. It was there that I met the kindest doctor and only soul who I felt capable of understanding the depth of my pain. He stroked my matted hair ever so gently and without a hint of judgment told me that I was suffering from severe PTSD and that, although at that moment I felt entirely consumed, there would be a day when I would be free from the invisible chains wrapped around my body. I wasn’t sure if I believed him, I was definitely sure that I didn’t have the strength to believe in myself but I took his hand in mine and I squeezed it; the first hand I had held for as long as I could remember. One day I will fill in the blanks but for now what I need you to know is that in the years since I have held hands with my fiancé whilst walking through a park, I have been scooped into the sincerest embraces, I have pliéd in a ballet class, I have felt the seawater wash over my feet and splash up my legs, I have stood laughing in the pouring rain, I have lived and lived fully. No matter where you are when you read this, no matter how exhausted, know that there is a future. There is an abundant life waiting to be lived and if you cannot, just until you are able, I will believe you can reach it.

There was a time, one well hidden; lights switched off and clothed over with bedsheets, in which I had become so paralysed with fear that I could not move. My physical symptoms had become so debilitating, so severe that I was afraid of the smallest movements. Gestures like raising my hand to my face or wiggling my toes were unimaginable. I could not feed myself or chew solid food, I couldn’t brush my teeth, I couldn’t wash or withstand the sensation of someone else washing me without grimacing, I could no longer bear to come into physical contact with my loved ones. I didn’t know what was happening to me, I didn’t have the words or the energy to express the intensity of the terror I was feeling every minute of every day. My family were lost as to how to help and friends splintered away. My world had shrunk to the size of not only one room but a single fixed position, a statue in a bed. When eventually I became so weak that my heart began to fail I was rushed into hospital. It was there that I met the kindest doctor and only soul who I felt capable of understanding the depth of my pain. He stroked my matted hair ever so gently and without a hint of judgment told me that I was suffering from severe PTSD and that, although at that moment I felt entirely consumed, there would be a day when I would be free from the invisible chains wrapped around my body. I wasn’t sure if I believed him, I was definitely sure that I didn’t have the strength to believe in myself but I took his hand in mine and I squeezed it; the first hand I had held for as long as I could remember. One day I will fill in the blanks but for now what I need you to know is that in the years since I have held hands with my fiancé whilst walking through a park, I have been scooped into the sincerest embraces, I have pliéd in a ballet class, I have felt the seawater wash over my feet and splash up my legs, I have stood laughing in the pouring rain, I have lived and lived fully. No matter where you are when you read this, no matter how exhausted, know that there is a future. There is an abundant life waiting to be lived and if you cannot, just until you are able, I will believe you can reach it.

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