I have stopped fight the “why.” All it does it give my anxiety more momentum, more power. I have stopped asking “why me?,” because it’s a question that I know I will never get an answer to. I have stopped asking “why can’t I feel normal?,” because truthfully I don’t even know what normal is. I have stopped questioning “why can’t I just be, just live and feel like I can breathe fully and deeply?,” because I know that in some strange way I was chosen to carry this load because I’m strong enough. I have stopped asking “why.”
I fought “why” with every ounce of strength I had for so long. I broke down and crumbled in small corners asking, screaming out loud “why am I going thru this!?” only to feel even more isolated than the moment before. The more I fought the worse I felt. The more I pushed the monster away the harder it came back at me. The more I told myself “I’m stuck and will never be free” the more of a prisoner I became.
I didn’t know peace until I opened the door to my anxiety and met it face to face. The day I decided to sit down with it, take it in, and partner with it the more I realized that I was just fighting myself, this new me. In order for me to feel any bit of internal freedom, or exhale just a little bit more, I had to welcome my anxiety in, give it the attention it craved, and send it packing when its stay was over. I had to come to terms with the fact that it will visit, unannounced, more often than I would like it to but that I would work with it and take it in every time. I finally saw that by fighting it I was only giving it more power, but by taking hold of it, embracing it as much as I can, the power over me decreased, the gears shifted and I had more control.
I have horrible days. I have moments of panic where I still feel the “why me” creeping in, but the difference now is that I refuse to stay stuck in that. I allow myself to feel the moment and then I take my power back.
Repost @michelelovetri
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